Thankfully, that I’m back in KL at the moment and I have my girl to comfort me. At least I know that I’m not alone in this world. Watch Grey’s anatomy the other night, and something hit me. We’re all responsible and we cared for our patients, but once work is over, do we still carry this values into our lives? Are we 2 different people when we’re at work and back home? Something to think about.

Anywayz, watch 12 hours and the black swan yesterday. Talk about being stress and the your mind starts playing with you. It won’t come to a surprise to me if one day I wake up feeling a little psychotic. All this stress……..I wonder if it’s just me or do all my friends suffer from it as well? Oh well, at least they always have someone there for them.

I hate to be apart …….i guess this is me being emotionally dependent on her. Or rather, we’re both emotionally dependant on each other. What will my life be if I didn’t have her? I can’t imagine what my life would be if I didn’t have her in a time like now. I probably be suicidal or suffer from depression. So I guesss its true……knowing someone out there that loves you makes life seem a little easier to live even though life sucks at this moment.

I only wish I knew her a little earlier…………..

Then again, for the past few days there’s been a lot of things on my mind. Did my surgical OSCE and somehow in my mind, I keep replaying the things that I did wrong on that day and therefore I’ve been having difficulty sleeping. Each time I close my eyes, I keep replaying the scene, the neck examination, the history taking, the abdominal station and the part where I fumble. Imagine replaying it in your mind for a hundred times,…….I think I’m going to go insane soon. I desperately need to fall asleep and yet I can’t find peace when I close my eyes.

Thus, I hate exams.

And I know t his feeling will linger as long as the results are not released. Sigh…..I wish they would release the results really soon and not wait till the other groups have sat for the exam.

Damn………please let me graduate.

Not to say that my girlfriend is some kind of angel fallen from heaven, cause she’s definitely not that kind of girl. And also, I’ll never be attracted to the girly type of girls that wears dresses and make up and heels. It’s always the jeans and t-shirt, the kind that happen to be the kind you want to hang out with all the time.

But right now, I feel like she’s playing this reverse psychology thing with me by making me feel “guilty” when I go out with her cause I’m not spending enough time with my parents. Sigh..!! It’s not that I don’t enjoy my time with them, it’s just that they are busy with their own things as well, so when my mom tells me that i’m going out too much, I took it as I’m hanging out with her too much. Damn..!! I’m in a long distance relationship..can’t they just understand it>? And what am I going to do while I’m home? I stay in my room and do my own stuff and then they get annoyed. Sigh..!

Parent’s expectations vs personal wishes.

It kinda remind me of this sermon or service that was deliver by this pastor

God’s plans vs your plans………except that in this case they are not God and I dun think that even God can understand my situation at the moment. It’s not that I dun believe in God, it’s not that I don’t trust in God but it’s just that there’s too many things in church, too many expectations in the church itself that I don’t think I’m ready to handle it yet. I told my brother that this is one of the main reason why i’m not going to church and not getting baptist….because I dun feel like I belong in there. Anywayz, tot of attending this gay church that my gf’s friends recommended me to go, but it’s all the way in cheras and I’m going back to Penang this weekend.

Anywayz, I don’t know why but it seems that with time, I feel like I’m getting annoyed with people around me that I started to enjoy my time being alone. Not too sure if that’s because I’ve given up on the people around me especially my high school friends, or because after going to Shanghai and spending 3 weeks alone, I became pretty much self-reliance and enjoy my own company. Or rather, just me and my girlfriend’s company.

Although…….I just can’t seem to forget the things my dad says about me sometimes. I know that whatever I do, there’s always someone who is going to be better than me. Worst part of all is when he pick up something that I know that I suck at but I’m trying to do better, and he compare me with like a sales technician or something like that. Haih……..how low can you put me seriously? I’m a final year medical student, who’s in a year time is going to start working as a doctor and all he can say is how low our pay is , our long working hours, our jobs sucks, how much money he spends to put me thru medical school and at the end of the day I can’t even like get my own place coz i’m only earning like 4k a month! Haih….I’m sick of listening to his crap and that’s the reason why I prefer to work somewhere further next time so that I can live out………but then there’s the girlfriend issue.

Just gonna do my best, study to the best that I could coz i know the grades that I’m getting, even though it sucks as compare to my friends….I know that I’ve done my very best. And by that, I mean reading and re-reading and highlighting and re-reading and then on the day itself…….i did try my best to answer and re-check each one of them.

Life sucks, I know but once you get the hang of it, you’ll realise that sometimes life is not all about $$$$$

To start it off, my housemate have broken up with her boyfriend and somehow that breakup also lead to the breakup between my dog and I. Yup, that little puppy that I pick up from SPCA will never enter my house again. Just like that. I should have seen it coming, since those 2 does not seem to be the happiest and the most compatible couple around, but after a while I thought wth and start clicking and hanging out with that silly dog. Who knows that now I’ll never see it again. I miss him every now and then, and I remember the night I cried to my gf telling her that everyone I know and love is leaving me one by one. My 2 dogs back home in KL is aging, and I hated the sign that they are most probably slowly dying. My small dog, Caesar fell into the fish pond on the day I came back from Penang and scare the hell out of me. He was home alone and I was out with my gf, and luckily my parents came home in time to rescue him otherwise he’ll probably be gone by now. The other dog, Kaiser does not seem to have the stamina that he used to have. He gets tired after walking a few minutes which isn’t like him in the past where he can runs for hours and never seem to get tired. Now, as I’m typing this down, both of them are comfortably sleeping in my room but well………..
Caesar butt is bleeding from god knows what, i suspect the fish in the pond must have been bitting on his butt while he’s there and Kaiser suddenly develop difficulty in breathing from furball??
Sigh……..they say that pets are good as it teaches one to have empathy and care, but it forgot to tell you what you will feel when a pet is aging :s Sigh……….

End of story

Anywayz, the reason that I’m writing this is because well, I finally came out to my mum few weeks back and I’m not sure if I should feel guilty or grateful now?

Guilty for being gay when she placed so much expectations on me?
Or grateful because apparently my dad bought me something really expensive over the weekend?

Part of me do not wish to hurt them, but seriously, this is part of me. Even if i’m not with TSP, i’m pretty sure that I’ll end up being with another girl……..and don’t think I’ll ever end up being with a guy. My mum told me to try………..what’s there to try when I can’t even carry out a decent conversation with a guy? Just find them boring……or gee…I don’t know…un-attractive.  I asked my mum the same question, can you ever try being with a girl? No right??  There’s no need to try because you already know the answer deep down inside you.

I’m gay.

Anywayz, the weekend was pretty good. Spend a good time laughing at ourselves this weekend. Did something stupid, I blame it on the hormones….LOL. Thank god it did not lead to a major big argument but rather a really funny one even though we were both super pissed off with each other.

TSP and I went shopping on sunday, and as I was paying for my shirt, she placed the shirt that she choose on my hand and so I paid for it. Then she walk off and I told her how much the shirt cost so that she can pay me back, and she started saying no, and start giving all this really lame funny excuse about wanting to finish up all my money and stuff. Argh….and one thing brought to another and then I mention about how I always pay………….blah blah blah.

Argh…..hate it when she calls me calculative when I’m so obviously not. I’m just broke that’s it.

So after much justification and a whole lot of laughing like 2 crazy idiots in little taiwan…..she decided to pay me back but complain to her stupid friend the whole night. Argh. Sien.

Hate it.

And yet, thinking about it still makes me laugh and smile the whole day.

Best quarrel ever?

LOL.

Depending on the situations, I believe that some people deserve a second chance. Or a third, fourth, fifth…..etc. Some people in my life have this “priviledge” that they’ll always get more than just a chance, and forgiveness is given the moment they show some sign of regret or repent for what they have did or do. I don’t know if this is a good thing or not, but I know that these are the people whom I love and care most. I accepted them for all their flaws, for all their mistakes, and all those “chances” and mistakes that they have done, I’ve already accepted them for who they are.

I guess I’ve grown to love them so much, till they are like family. Where no matter how piss off I am with them, how much I hated them at that moment, how much they have hurt me in the past few days or hours (depending on my emotions), I’ve learn to adapt and accept them for who they are and no longer hold any grudges against them…….our quarrels and misunderstanding have become like siblings rivalry or something….we fight but we forget the next day or two.

After all, this are the people whom I know who will be there for me……like family.

Is that too much to ask?
to have someone whom I can last,
Not to just be by my side and laugh,
but to listen to my past.

I’ve heard yours so please hear mine,
I’ve always wanted to make you mine,
From the date we met till the night
You’re still capable of making me cry

We quarrel, we argue, we fought,
But that hows the chemistry sparks,
I love the fact you drove me nutz,
And that cause me to fall.

To fall into this thing call love…………

You tell me that this isn’t right,
That this would not have a will or a might,
You want to give up walk away and quit,
I thought of giving you another night.

You told me I’m wearing you out,
and not want to care what’s all this about,
But somehow deep inside us we both know,
what we felt is real inside.

So readers, please me know,
What do you do when love is not enough?
To keep going or to just give it up?
To be friends or to see it thru…………?

Can’t believe that the final meds are graduating and we’re now officially called final meds. When I first enter med school, I can’t wait to graduate. And now that it’s only one year away, I’m thinking whether will I have enough knowledge to graduate. All the things I wish I had done since first year is haunting me now. When am I ever going to finish reading my Apleys Orthopaedic book, my Snell Central Nervous system, finish reading Rang and Dale pharmacology and many more other books which I buy to fill up my bookshelf but hardly read it. The internet is a good source when you need to search for something urgently. It’s fast, not as precise but there’s always Ctrl F to find whatever you need. Can’t do that with books!

I wonder how things will be next year. Will I still be as close to my housemate as I am with her now? We’re already drifting apart though we live in the same house, so many things have changed and I’m not sure if we’ll remain friends after this. i’m gonna miss her loadz. When we graduate, I would have live with her for 5 years……..for 5 years she got on my nerve almost every other day, annoy the hell out of me, had a love-hate relationship with, and make me realize how far I could actually go for someone I love. Even if things never happen between us, even we’ll never be anything more than friends, even if we have gone our own wayz, she is already like family to me…..and to realize that you’re not going to see her as frequent as I used to saddens me. Haih. Suddenly I wish today never arrive cause it’s been a while since we hang out like that. I miss having her in my life.

And I hope my girlfriend won’t be jealous if she sees this. Haha.

Speaking of her…..I miss her. Can’t believe that I have to wait for a few weeks more before I get to see her again. Not to mention that her birthday is coming. What should I get for her? I need ideas. No handmaking stuff coz I absolutely suck at it, and it need to be something personal and affordable. i’m kinda broke at the moment. I wish that I’m working at the moment, have my own place, my own car……..that way, things will be a lot easier for the both of us. That explains the reason why I want to graduate soon……..I don’t want to resit or re-do anymore papers…I just want to pass, get into the job market and start working.

I can’t wait to start work.